Because there are some folks who seem to lack the ability to discern between satire and seriousness, we need to put up this disclaimer. This is NOT a post intended to be taken seriously!! It’s a satirical piece. That is all. Please enjoy the creative musings of one Kosmic Burrito!*
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am absolutely honoured and truly humbled, that the Oilers chose me, Kosmic Burrito, to break this story to the masses! Why me? Let’s just say that I know a guy…
Ok Ok, truth is, I sold some ‘shrooms to someone in management. I won’t name any name’s, but his name rhymes with “Greg BackRadish”. I also filmed him while on said ‘shrooms, and basically said that if they don’t want this thing to go full blown “Rob Ford Crack Video” scandal styles. Then they need to ante up some inside information to me and our wonderful staff here at Beer League Heroes. Because trust me, this dude’s so weird and wrong on sooooo many levels, and I have the video to prove it! Soooo, which brings me here, you trippy, weird, beautiful creatures! Oh how I missed you glorious bastards!! Alright, let’s get to this breaking news story!
Great Lawdy, Lawdy, Lawd! Oh sweet baby Jesus! Our PP QB prayers have been answered, and by a holy roller himself! Thank you sweet, sweet, sweeeeet baby Jesus! Hallelujah! Can I get an Amen!
Ok, first off, yes you read that right. Craig MacTavish has found, and signed a right handed, power play “Quarterback” defenceman. Yes, that Craig MacTavish, the one that everyone (myself included) thought was going to be banished from the organization when Peter Chiarelli was hired. Nope, not a facking chance people! This cock-a-roach survived the cleanup! Not only did he survive, but he is in fact able to sign players, as well as tons of other cool shit! Here we all thought that they kept him on out respect for the “old boys club”. No way dude, he’s Craig Mac-facking-Tavish! He don’t need no helmet foo’! So I spoke with Craig over the phone, and he was absolutely ecstatic! His energy was contagious, and I started to get giddier than a little Catholic choir boy waiting for the Priest to tuck him in, waiting in anticipation for him to hurry up and tell me.
“You know Kosmic, I should tell you all about how great of a talent evaluator I am when it comes to defencemen. I can spot a grade ‘A’ defenceman a mile away. Nikitin, Fayne, Ference, oh God, I could do this all day.” Craig said.
“Thanks sir, but if we could get on with this breaking news story, that would be stellar!” I replied.
“Fair enough. So I’m sure you’ve been paying attention to the world of sports lately, and aware of most things. Well, one of the more popular news stories lately is about a high profile athlete, who is trying to switch sports. This athlete used to play pro football, and now wants to switch over to baseball. Yesterday he tried out in front of twenty plus teams. Including your beloved Blue Jays.” Said Mactavish.
“Yeah I’ve read something about that, kind of like some wannabe Bo Jackson stuff. What’s that have to do with the player that you signed? You’re a confusing cat MacT.” I said.
“Well, I went down to the baseball skill showcase, I really liked what I saw and actually met with thisyoung man. Kosmic, I’m so proud to announce that Tim Tebow has signed with the Edmonton Oilers, and will become our new power play “quarterback”!!!” MacTavish nearly shouted with absolute excitement. “He has changed his mind about playing baseball, and decided that he would like to try hockey instead. And I was the lucky one to sign him! Trust me, I know a thing or two about winners, and I learned from the best, Mr. Kevin Lowe himself! Plus we all know how well I can judge defensive talent, so this was a complete no brainer.”
“Are you serious Craig? Tim facking Tebow?” I shouted.
“Damn skippy I am! I’ve never felt so confident in my life. I think he has Norris potential. Sure, we need to teach him how to skate, so I asked Andrew Ference to help get him up to speed. Trust me, we found our quarterback on the back end.” MacTavish said with a shit eating grin.
Tim Tebow himself then stepped into the room, and headed over.
“Hi Mr. Tebow, welcome to Oil Country, and I guess technically welcome to the entire world of hockey.” I said.
Tim then said, “First off, I want to give thanks to sweet baby Jesus. Without him…..
Just then a loud horn started to go off. Like really loud, almost like it’s directly in front of me! What is going on? What’s that noise? Oh wow…where did Craig and Tim go? Next thing you know, I narrowly avoided being hit by a city bus in the middle of the street. What the what???? Oh shit, not again.. where are my clothes?
That ladies and gentlemen, is when my ‘shrooms wore off. No, no, NO!! So I didn’t interview MacT? You mean I don’t have an inside link for Oilers info? And I’m not MacT’s dealer? We didn’t land our highly coveted RHD PP QB Tim Tebow? Oh wow….dammit these mushrooms are way too bonkers! I better find some clothes!
As always, stay trippy my friends and buy a shirt!
You can follow me on Twitter @kosmicburrito