That Time I Skated On The Ice Desert…

Whoa! What’s the word my BLH family? Holy fack it’s been a hot minute since we last chilled bruh… I’ve just been cruising through the universe on my psychedelic quest to spread love, fun, and dreams of another Oilers dynasty! And during my time off, I spent a lot of it wondering how the Oilers can get better…and a lot was also spent with various psychedelic ingredients to enhance the journey 😉

Where to start this….hmm, Ok! So about a month before Taylor Hall was traded, I was reading some articles written by the genius that we all know as Lowetide. And it facking hit me! No, not Lowetide’s intelligently written article. It was the mushrooms I ate, silly. Bammmm….I was no longer sitting in the comfort of Castle Grey Skull a.k.a my house. No ma’am…I, Kosmic Burrito, was in an Ice Desert. Yeah, I said it, a motherfacking Ice Desert…and I was skating through it, and gliding along a spiritual quest to better the Oilers.

As I skated across the vast icy desert, various creatures came and spoke to me. First, I met a Shark, and she said, “Kosmic, they need “the D”…they’ll never win without “the D!”. And then the Shark vanished! I know what you’re thinking, a shark in an ice desert talking about dicks?!? I know, right? Facking sweet dude! But she was right, we’ll never win without defence…

I continued my spiritual journey across the desert, still thinking about the Shark and how she said that we need “The D” (lolol). When I came across a Duck, and he said “Kosmic, they’re too top heavy. They need to balance out their bottom! It needs to produce.” I was wondering why he told me that my bum needed to produce, and I realized he meant the bottom 6. Yes!! They need a guy who can grind, play defense, and chip in some damn offense! Wow, what a smart freaking Duck!! Can you imagine if we had 1 or 2 bottom six’ers that could play “the D” and pop in 10 or so goals? Like a 3rd line center that fits this description, so we can bump The Nuge or Dr. Drai up a line. I never did see where that Duck went off to?

The last critter I encountered was a Coyote. I felt bad for this Coyote, he told me that he wasn’t sure if he was going to have a home in the desert for much longer. Something about not having enough friends or something?! But we’ll save that tale for another time. The Coyote told me,”Mr.Burrito, they are too small and wimpy. Listen to women, size matters!” After I realized that the Coyote wasn’t making a peen joke, it hit me!! The Oilers are too damn small, wimpy, and not intimidating whatsoever. The Coyote then spewed out a snapchat rainbow, and rode it into the Ice Sun. “Bye Coyote! I hope that you get your home situation sorted out!”

As I skated along the ice thinking about what the creatures told me. I couldn’t help but think about how right they were. Not too mention how enlightening and gnarly this trip was…

And then I saw him….Chief Blackhawk….as he approached me while riding his buffalo shaped zamboni thingy. I couldn’t help but think to myself,
“Holy shit, these shrooms are amazing!!!! Whooooaaaa dude!!”
When I finally stopped giggling, the Chief got down from his zam-buffalo.
“Kosmic, what up G. What I’m going to say may shizz-ock you. But to get the party started yo, you need to trade Taylor Hall bruh. He will get the coveted RHD. Stay strong homey, and keep it real.” He then gave me a couple toots from his peace pipe, a fist bump, and vanished in a cloud of orange and blue smoke.

I then awoke from my trip, safe and sound in Castle Grey Skull. Wow, the Shark, Duck, Coyote, and Chief Blackhawk were right. We need some D, a bottom six that can chip in offense and cover their own zone, and some size and grit.

I pondered on this for awhile, thinking of different scenarios, possible acquisitions, and yes, trading Taylor Hall. Who could we get? Will we get P.K. for Hall?! Oh yes, my mind was swirling and salivating at the thought.

And then, BAM!! He did it. Chiarelli pulled the facking trigger….

He traded Taylor “top 10 scorer” Hall for Adam “not a #1 RHD” Larsson. Holy Guacamole….did the Twitter-verse ever explode. It was a mix of reactions, people were shocked, delighted, and of course…furious. How could he do this? This isn’t P.K.! Who also happened to be involved in a weird ass blockbuster of his own. What a trip though, am I right? Chiarelli traded Tyler and now Taylor.

I won’t lie, I was pissed. But our leader here, Mr. Beer League himself, set me straight. I’m sure that you all read his wonderful article telling us to chill the fack out. But I was still a little cheesed, Taylor freakin’ Hall man.

So now what? Eat more shrooms!! That’s what! And back to the Ice Desert I went, in search of Chief Blackhawk. As I skated in search of my feather headed friend, he appeared out of the familiar blue and orange smoke, peace pipe in hand and zam-buffalo at his side.
“Kosmic, my dude” he said, “I thought I told you that Hall needed to go yo, why do you doubt me sucka?”
“Because Chief, we didn’t get an Ekman-Larsson, only a Larsson.”
Then the Chief’s face turned into a purple Ewok, but that was just me trippin’ balls.
The Cheif said, “Kosmic, Larsson hasn’t even hit his prime fool,he has all the tools. He’s there to stop goals, not score them. Isn’t that what they’re missing homie?”
And then it hit me, not the shrooms this time. They just acquired a young RHD who hasn’t hit his prime and is projected to be a #2. We don’t even have a #2 (Klefbom?)…until now. He’s not here to score goals, he’s here to stop them.

Then the shrooms wore off, and I realized that I wasn’t at Castle Grey Skull anymore. No, I was naked in a park with an empty bag of pork rinds, and a monkey. Whoa dude, party much? Meh, I’ve snapped out of it in worse situations. But I’ll save those tales for another day.

So friends, during my psychedelic journey, I came to the realization that in order to “get”, you need to “give”. Hall gave us 6 years of absolute excitement. When he has the puck on his stick, you never know what will happen. He’s fackin’ electric, no doubt about it. But what happened in the 6 years he was here? Now I’m definitely not saying that Hall is the epicenter of all things awful for the Oilers. He’s not the only reason that they have shit the bed for the last 10 years. But, it’s time for a culture change. And Chia-Pete established that with 2 moves: trading Hall, and signing Looch.

So Shark, does Larsson give the Oilers “the D” they need? And is the Coyote satisfied with the size, grit, and intimidation that they’ll get from Looch? Then there’s the Duck…will Chiarelli shore up our bottom 6? That’s still out there, we’ll wait and see.

Think about it though, Klefbom, Davidson, and Nurse will all be 1 year older and more mature. Add in Larsson, and Sekera, and it does project to be better. I won’t lie though, I’m still holding onto hope that we acquire a power play specialist, puck moving defenceman to round it out. *cough cough Barrie* Also, a solid 3rd line center who can chip in some offense, would be excellent.

Well folks, what’s next? What do you think they should do? Is Chiarelli done, or is he waiting in the grass patiently, ready to pounce on a puck moving RHD? Either way, whatever you do or wherever you are, STAY TRIPPY MY FRIENDS!!!

As always, I welcome and enjoy your comments, feedback, and criticism. You can link me on Twitter @kosmicburrito

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Kosmic Burrito Written by:

  • Kane Adamson

    One of my favorite things I have ever read. Thank you for that